Him.

In this life, there is him.

I wish I could explain him in more than just few words. But my knowledge is limited, because he is missing.

Or maybe I am missing. Well I am missing....missing him.

Him is missing from me.

Him is missing from me so much that I am beginning to forget. Forget what he looks like, forget how he talks, forget his laugh or how he used to see me, jump back with his arms wide open and say "come here!" in his deep, manly voice...long awaiting my leaping bear hug.

It's been years.

Too many for it to matter how many exactly. But not enough for me to be confident enough to say that it is ok that I am beginning to forget.

But I am.

I miss him. He is missing from me. I am missing from him.

I wish we could rewind time backwards.

Back to late night muppet movie marathons. Back to PC Brand piggies in a blanket pastries. Back to the day you bought me my very own pocket bike, we named her Fire because she was the most beautiful shade of Red I had ever seen.

Red was my favourite colour, and he never forgot that.

I wish him could see me now. I wonder what he would think? I have grown so much (not literally of course) but mentally and emotionally. I have done things and I hope to be going places.

I hope him can see those places one day with me.

The places I have gone are my escape. My happy. The people I have met are my rocks. The things I have done are my accomplishments, all of my gold stars have started to align.I know him would be so proud.

But until I see him again, and I hope that it be one day soon, I will hold onto those few words that I do know and wait.

In this life, there is him.

Me

In this life, there is ME.

There is also YOU.

Which would make it, ME and YOU...I guess?

Well maybe not.

Maybe life is allowed to be JUST about ME sometimes. You think that's ok? Probably not eh.

Once in a while it is important to remember that although I maybe wouldn't be ME without YOU, I have to take care of me first and foremost. How am I supposed to take care of YOU if ME isn't okay on my own?

Selfish?

No.

Taking care of ME is not a selfish act. In fact, it is a necessity. ME needs to remember to eat 3 meals a day, sleep a solid 8 hours, exercise regularly, take care of this and do that and some more of this and that....all which somehow seems to mush into one solid blur.

Why?

Because ME is too busy worrying about YOU.

Or maybe not.

Maybe ME isn't focused on YOU at all but cannot figure out ME, myself at all.

We think we know who we are, or at least we hope we do. But often those thoughts are incomprehensible, and we spend countless hours trying to understand who ME is or what ME wants, missing all of the signs along the way.

We take good care of ourselves on the outside but too clearly forget about the inside. The parts we can hide.

Ignore.

On the inside ME buries being vulnerable and finds a quick fix or solution to whatever problem ME may have.

But then there is YOU. Trying to help. Trying to give ME the tools that ME needs to understand that everything is going to be just fine and that YOU are going to be right there the entire time.

Suddenly ME realizes that ME needs YOU more than had originally been considered. YOU helped ME see that challenges come in all shapes and sizes. That ME can take care of ME and YOU or just ME.... or just YOU.

YOU helps ME see that change is good even though it is scary, that there might not always be second chances in life so it is better not to take the risk, and that feelings are there whether we like them or not.

ME has been through a lot lately but with YOU, ME is not alone.

ME has YOU.

In this life, there is ME...and there is YOU too.

I am thankful for YOU.

In this life there is you.

I wish I would could tell you how much you truly mean to me. But if I tried to, I would be lying.

There are no words to express my feelings for you because they are infinite, but I am reminded everyday of just how lucky and thankful I am to call you my own.

19

I am thankful because you keep me grounded.

I am thankful because you hold me when I cry.

I am thankful because you tell me when I am wrong.

I am thankful because you support me in everything I do.

I am thankful because you're there when I fail.

I am thankful because you make me feel beautiful.

I am thankful for your trust in me.

I am thankful for your kisses.

I am thankful for your commitment to me.

I am thankful for your level of respect.

I am thankful for ability to reason.

I am thankful for your zest for adventure.

I am thankful for your sense of humour.

I am thankful because you stand up for what you believe in.

I am thankful because you work hard for what you want.

I am thankful for your drive to succeed.

I am thankful for your open mind.

I am thankful for your sensitivity (whether you like it or not).

Most importantly I am thankful for this past year that we have shared together. I am thankful for that very first day we met, when you asked me to have sushi and I sat there and watched YOU eat for hours. Even though it hasn't always been easy, it's been real. That was by far the best decision I ever made.

Here is to YOU. Wishing you everything that you deserve and more this year. I cannot wait to see what the future holds.

Happy 19th Birthday to the one I love.

Always,

-Me  XO

Too many words, So little time

In this life there are too many words to be spoken and not enough time to say them all.

66 days since I last wrote a blog.

Why? because I couldn't find the words to write something meaningful, something deep, something great.

Same song and dance each time.

I'd begin to write with so many thoughts in mind but never seemed to have the time to get them all out on paper the way I had pictured in my head.

It took me 66 days to realize something.

People often think that if they don't have something grand to say that it isn't good enough, that others will judge them for what they have said- or lack there of.

I disagree.

Think before you speak is only applicable 50% of the time, the majority of that time is conversing with your parents, teachers, co-workers etc. But the other half of the time don't think- just speak. You don't have to have everything you say planned out and rehearsed 32 times in your head to get it "right".

Often we miss out on the opportunities we are given to say something- anything, because we get caught up in all the words and can't seem to find the things we want to say, so we say nothing at all.

The thing is: Words are just words until you make them mean something to you.

None of this could mean a thing to any of you, but that doesn't matter because it means something to me.

I'd rather write something small that means something to me then write a story about why I couldn't say everything that I wanted to.

It takes approximately 2.3 seconds to ask somehow how their day was. Those are words in their purest form. Those are words that mean the most. Those are words that matter.

You'd be surprised at how much those few words make all the difference to that one person, I promise.

In this life there are too many words to be spoken but plenty of time to choose the best ones to say.

Love

In this life there is love.

I believe that love is the most powerful four letter word in the english language.

L-O-V-E: An intense feeling of deep affection.

Something that is profound and tender. Something that is unique and different for everyone. Something that is rare and hard to find.

Something that is timeless.

We have all felt the feeling before. For some it is the feeling you have for a passion- a piano chord, the swinging of a baseball bat or the sound of a blade stroke upon the ice.  For others it is the feeling towards the ones we care about. Our pets, our friends, our family, our significant other etc.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes, forms and creations.

For me its the feeling I get when I enter a room full of talented movers who remind me why I LOVE to dance. The feeling I get when my friends come to me for advice when they could ask just about anyone else. The feeling when my sister tells me that she misses me on the phone after being apart for only a day. The feeling when my boyfriend tells me that I've made him want to be a better person.

All of those feelings, are what love is to me.

Love is something majestic. Whether you are lucky enough to experience and embrace it in its fullest and purest form, depends on how you play your cards. But I can reassure you that if you allow yourself to love and to be loved and to fall in love....then it will happen.

YOU, just have to let it.

You know how people always say, "think before you do?"

Don't.

Not in this case.

Just do.

Do something wonderful. Anything. Everything. Volunteer at a special needs camp. Help to build a school in Africa. Raise money for breast cancer awareness. Donate a can of food to the food bank.

The possibilities are limitless.

You'll know you have succeeded when you get that achey feeling in your chest, right where your heart is. It's a feeling that is irreplaceable, unforgettable and one of a kind on its own- It's love.

So what are you waiting for?

Go find it.

In this life there is love.

Moving on

In this life we all move forward.

Moving forward in one’s life can be one of the most difficult things to do. Sometimes when we move forward it isn’t by choice, it’s forced. You wake up one day as you would any other, but on that day everything changes. The life you used to be accustomed to only seconds ago, will no longer be your everyday routine anymore.

You’re moving on.

Now being forced to move on isn’t always a bad thing. When we think of force we often think of something bad. Like when you break up with that horrible high school boyfriend and you feel as though the carpet has been pulled out from underneath you and that your whole world is ending, when that day comes and you are forced to move on from him.

That’s the shitty kind of forced.

I’m not talking about that kind of forced. What I mean by forced is the chance to experience something new- many new things….a new house, a new school, new friends, a new lifestyle.

I’m talking about you that girl who will be starting a new chapter of her life all over again in just over a month.

That kind of forced.

It’s the scary, but exciting kind of forced -the kind that she will take complete control of and rock the shit out of whatever comes her way.

Why? Because she is fearless (and jumps out of planes….)

Life throws you curveballs no doubt and that’s a fact. And this is most definitely one of those high-speed fast moving balls. But I believe that moving on and moving forward is the best thing that can happen to a person. The best part about starting something new is the feeling you get deep inside your stomach. The feeling that I know you LOVE more than anything because that is the kind of person you are. That feeling is now and it’s yours.

So run with it.

Go to LA and find everything that makes you happy. Keep adding to that bucket list of yours. Fall in and out of love a thousand and one times. Do everything there that you couldn’t do here and MORE.

We’ll always be here when you’re ready to come back. Some things never change, and I promise you that your true friends are those things. All those things will stay with you forever.

 5 years went by way too fast. But I’m glad I got to know you the way I did. We helped each other get through grade 9 French right up until finishing our first year of University together. We grew up and now we’re here. I wish you the best of luck in all that you do and hope that whatever you do you do it for you.

Have the best time of your life. I know you will.

In this life we all move forward.

Disappointment

In this life there is disappointment.

Disappointment like everything else comes and goes. Sometimes it passes quickly and other times it isn't as easy to accept. But in the end you are the one who gets to decide how much you will allow disappointment to affect you.

Truth is, someone or something will disappoint you at least once in your life because everyone has different wants, needs and expectations.

We will all experience sadness or displeasure caused by this nonfulfillment of our hopes or expectations.

And those disappointments you remember having as a kid, like the time your mom or dad refused to buy you that really cool thing that you wanted more than anything in the entire world- won't seem as disappointing.

The first time you fail however, and I mean really fail, you will know the feeling.

I've always been pretty good at keeping my chin up through the hardest of times. But sometimes disappointment hits me harder than the feeling of sadness or frustration.

Disappointment combines all of the negative feelings into one, big, shitty feeling.

Failure.

Either you have failed or someone has failed you in some way and sometimes it is so difficult to understand why.

Why did this happen?

When you work so hard to achieve something, when you put your absolute best effort forward, and someone tells you that it's not good enough it's hard to make sense of it all.

The ever so famous line that "everything happens for a reason," all of a sudden does not seem so clear.

If everything happens for a reason, then why is someone telling me that my reason isn't good enough?

Suddenly more and more questions are developed with no answers to fill them in with.

I guess all we can do is understand the fact that we are all going to be disappointed somehow, somewhere and just maybe by someone.

Don't let these moments define you.

You are special in your own way.

You are human.

You were made to make mistakes, to be imperfect.

Keep your head up high and move forwards.

If you can get up every single day, you can overcome almost anything- disappointment included.

In this life there is disappointment.